i haven't decided yet as to where my life is going
i doubt i ever will
he tells me that my away messages are emo--i argue that The Beatles' "She came in through the bathroom window" is anything but
each time i lay out my hand to take in my prize, i should learn that i'm no good at card games
i have no idea what you'd call this, what to call this way in which i wake up bitter and go to sleep with raw lips
yeah, so this is my gossamer existence...half awake...not knowing, not caring...not concerned and at the same time gripping to everything in sheer panic of sliding down that slope again. When the fall comes i will wear black stockings and heels under a knee length tweed breasted coat and black leather gloves.

god....i need a drink

and yes, that's what i've turned into, the drunk dark artist.....drunk on cute girly drinks. goodie


i gotta say, i hate falling in love with someone. somehow, in the 4 times i've managed to do it in my life, it always fucks up. twice i get nothing, once i get a chunk of my life destroyed, and now this time is driving me to accept the alcoholic and sex addict sides of my personality that i kept locked up for years.


i swear, the sooner i can get to river city, the better it'll be for me....i'll have a real home for once, even if i'm the only one there.

i think my day will pick up if my guitar is here when i get back from indigo dying.

i went to the mother fucking ZOOO today! it was awesome. i saw pengins. and a baby hippo. and a camel. and a gimp monkey. that was the whole insentive to go...the gimp monkey.


horrible aren't i?

on another note, the tatoo no longer hurts, because i've been following the care instructions, unlike someone i know *rolls eyes and laughs*

on another note, i have gotten back to crochet. been a while, but hugh manning somehow got me interested in it again. you can only knit so much. so i made a hat, and a scarf. and now i want to make a rainbow halter top. shut up, you'll see.

i feel good right now. i'm sweaty and disgusting, haven't taken a shower in 2 days, but i feel fucking good. i just worked out for an hour and everything is tingling from all the excess blood flow. but i'm glad to be that way. i'm glad i got the chance to run again. it feels so good. and last night i finally had the drinks i'd been needing for a while. that feeling of just not quite all being there....just not having all control of myself....that was just the little bit of release that i needed from the sorrows and worries that had built themselves up inside of me. for a while i could forget that i'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back, for a while i could forget that the guy who's been using every girl in the dorm is trying to come back for seconds with me, for a while i could forget that i don't like myself, for a while i could forget that i quit my job of 2 years and am planning to spend $1000 in the next few months on frivolous things, for a while i could be free. now i'm refreshed, ready for more shit that life brings me. i'm gonna get cracking on working on things...i'm gonna put my time into my art! i can't wait....but first i've got to take a shower

*sigh*